The other day Pope Benedict XVI announced his intention to resign the papacy at the end of this month. The news produced a big splash internationally but barely a ripple on Martha’s Vineyard, preoccupied as we were with the approach of, the visit of, and our recovery from the storm widely known as Nemo. Why then am I blogging about the pope’s resignation in From the Seasonally Occupied Territories? As occupying forces go, the Catholic church is way down the list, and its local manifestations are fairly benign.
Come to think of it, I don’t believe this pope or any other pope has ever visited Martha’s Vineyard. It is for absolute sure that no pope has ever come from Martha’s Vineyard. In the rampant speculation about who the next pope will be, no candidates from Martha’s Vineyard have been mentioned. It is to rectify this that I blog this post. The story does indeed have a local angle: one of the Vineyard’s favorite daughters has thrown her hat in the ring, hoping to convert it to a miter.
Graphic by Kim. The ability to wield Photoshop is key to successful popery.
Kim is a musician, a massage therapist, and the founder of MV Stuff 4 Sale. In the latter capacity she has proven her qualifications for sainthood, which last I looked were considerably more stringent than the qualifications for pope. Nevertheless, the Catholic Church maintains that while women are eligible to become saints, especially if we are killed in the line of duty, we are not eligible to become pope. As the poster proves, Kim looks pretty damn good in a miter. She also has the endorsement of her cat. What could possibly stand in the way?
You’re way ahead of me. Right you are: the College of Cardinals. The cardinals, like the pope, are all and always men. Kim is therefore campaigning among cardinals who through no fault of their own have been excluded from the college.
After a dramatic but untelevised debate . . .
Photo by Dan Waters
. . . the cardinals in Dan Waters’s backyard decided that Kim was far and away the best choice for pope, not least because she is a redhead and so are they. They then settled down to amicable eating.
We should all be so lucky. This blog wholeheartedly endorses Kim for Pope. The Cardinals Around the Food Pan Assembled have expressed some interest in becoming a College, as long as they don’t have to go to Rome. The living is much too good in Dan’s backyard.
Photo by Dan Waters
From the Seasonally Occupied Territories . . . 
Really love this piece, Susannah! I almost exhaled maple-flavoured beans all over my screen.
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Good work, all. Tom, you’re right: “mitre” it should be. “Miter” is for boxes used in carpentry, and I notice that even in the U.S. these are often “mitre boxes.” To be distinguished, of course, from the mite boxes into which we good Sunday school kids put our pennies, nickels, dimes, and (if our parents were generous, and vigilant) quarters during Lent. Cartmanius is an elusive fellow, not only Cartmanius LXIX but his LVIII predecessors. I was the class of MCMLXIX from my high school, and our (unofficial) class symbol was a bottle of Vat LXIX. We always suspected that “Vat” stood for Vatican. Now we know.
Anda, “Vaticat” it is. It couldn’t possibly be anything else.
Professor Lea and Poet Mccormack would be stellar additions to the Papal Court. Cardinal Richelieu had his éminence grise. Pope Kim should surely have hers, and two grises might be better than one. The pope needs a Camp David sort of place, to which she can retire for spiritual, visual, and gastronomic replenishment, and Bequia would be a most excellent retreat.
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Now that Benedict is too pooped to pope, potential candidates abound. The esteemed Professor Lea, Emeritus, now of Bequia, and Mr. Lee McCormack, Poet Lauriat of Martha’s Vineyard, are two of these many worthwhile successors to the Throne of St. Peter. Kim Hilliard joins a throng of potential potentates and potentatesses.
One serious roadblock to Kims ascension is not that she is female, but that she is redheaded. Redheaded people, to the best of my knowledge, have not ever been popified. A google search yields a British “Answers” site that asserts that there has been one ginger Pope, Pope Cartmanius LXIX. A subsequent googling yields but one mention of Pope Cartmanius LXIX, on the very answers page that asserts that Pope Cartmanius LXIX was a redhead. That blatant tautology indicates that Pope Cartmanius LXIX very existence should be considered suspect, and that furthermore, we should nevermind what the color of his hair might have been.
In conclusion, this faithful (so to speak) reader also wishes to niggle about one of your orthographical decisions. I feel that you should use the spelling “mitre”, rather than “miter”. While miter is an acceptable alternative spelling, I submit that mitre should be your first choice. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitre
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I mitre known someone would pick up on the spelling. Both Kim & Lee, in their different ways, possess the right qualifications, but on balance my vote would be for Kim, as I think she’d suit the costume better – the thought of venerable Lee in a frock is a bit daunting. However, the post of Deputy Pope – or SemiPope – may be open…
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Speaking of British—I am descended from the only English pope, Nicholas Breakspear (Pope Hadrian IV). It doesn’t say much for him that he comes from a line that broke things (although maybe breaking weapons is a good thing).
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What fun! Love the cat on Kim’s shoulder. Would that be the Vaticat?
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Splendid Anda – Vaticat it is (so much more seemly than PopePuss.
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